Durango the Deranged Dingo pres. Survivor Pearl Island

TONIGHT'S MENU

NICOLE

A bit bitter. Definitely grisly. Luckily she wasn't there long enough to get too sinewy. But don't think I didn't take advantage of that whole "massage therapist" thing before I sucked the marrow from her very bones!! (that was my attempt at pirate talk... how did I do?)

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK! Probst and I enjoyed a long overdue reunion. I even pissed on his head for old times sake. He denies it, but he enjoyed it.

Well, I gotta say I was a bit disappointed at the start of the show. Here they promised us the dumping of a gaggle of pathetic, fame hungry, idiotic fools on a deserted island with NOTHING! NOTHING!!!!! THEY PROMISED!!!! Then they have to go off and give them money and set them loose in a fishing village. Like a machete is THAT important in the jungle!

The immunity challenge proved to be amusing though. I haven't seen so much meat hanging in the wind since I came across that cannibal tribe in the Sahara, but that's another story! Let's see how the other's stacked up, shall we?


	BURTON - Shows up wearing his stylin' Armani suit. I think he was going to cry when he had to cut them into shorts! And what is up with him and Shawn? Just sleep with him already! I'm afraid Burton is destined to be a "yes man."
	CHRISTA - She sacrifices her dress for the good of the tribe! What a gal!!! And she even made a skirt for Rupert, so she has a heart too.
	JON - Says he goes by "Johnny Fairplay" because he doesn't play fair. Uh, stud, shouldn't that be "Johnny Unfairplay?" Turns out our Jon is more annoying than the wrestlers he claims to hang out with! And once again, if you describe yourself as funny... YOU'RE NOT THAT FUNNY! But, he did remember to get the booze when shopping for supplies, so he can't be all bad.
	MICHELLE - Yo! Sandra Dee. Did you notice the name of the show at the top of the application. It's SUR-VI-VOR! You may just run into some dubious behavior from time to time. I mean, this girl is SUCH a prude. Honey, you will be presented with a male member from time to time in your life. Get used to it!
	RUPERT - First thing he does... steals from the other team. He wears a skirt without shame. And he's one helluva fisherman! I already love this guy. If he doesn't go all the way, I just hope he keeps enough fish coming into the camp so he doesn't loose one ounce of that luscious meat!
	SANDRA - Ahhhhhh... the Sabrina of the group... If it weren't for Sandra's knowledge of the Spanish language and her kindly nature, Drake wouldn't have had the authentic Panamanian BBQ on their way to camp! Smart one, our Sandra. If she can only keep her mouth shut, we may have a winner on our hands.
	SHAWN - I just knew he was one to look out for!!! Though he and Burton are in what may turn out to be the BIGGEST pissing contest in Survivor history, Shawn is definitely the leader of the group. If he plays it close to the chest, I don't doubt I'll never taste one morsel!
	TRISH - Can you say CLUELESS!!!! Even if you don't speak the language, it's pretty damned obvious when another chick is hitting on you!


ANDREW - Voted the leader of the group. Offered to be naked with Osten if his shorts fell off. What a guy! He'll make it to the merger for sure, and if he uses his lawyering skills right, he actually has a shot.
DARRAH - Was she even in this show? Expect her to go far. The fact they barely showed her in the first episode just says she's going to be around long enough to get to know later.
LILLIAN - ENOUGH WITH THE SCOUT TALK ALREADY!!! And might I remind you that if you can't pronounce a tribe member's name right (It's TijuaNa, not TijuanDa!), you're not going to be taken seriously. Plus, her honesty is going to KILL her. But you can expect her to stick around until they get rid of the rest of the threats.
NICOLE - MY GOD, how annoying can one woman be? And STUPID!!! She was in on the talk about kicking Lil or Ryan S out. JUST SHUT UP AND VOTE! Well, someone has to go, and I'm a might happy that I don't have to put up with this sorry wench for any longer! (more attempt at the pirate talk. Am I getting any better?)
OSTEN - Okay, so for some reason this guy thinks it's a good idea to sell all his clothes right before he's going to spend a month on a deserted island. Smart move, cowboy. Fruit of the Loom may be a good brand, but I doubt it's going to last 30 days in the jungle. I hope Big Lill studied making a g-string out of a palm frond in her Boy Scout manual!
RYAN O - Nice bod. Eyes to die for. Not too bright - actually, none of the members of this tribe are very bright... except maybe Andrew. But might I point out Ryan was the first one to get naked for Osten. That has to count for something.
RYAN S - Now known as "Skinny Ryan" He's obviously got a brain on him, but he's such a little boy!!! So naive... he is either out within the next couple weeks, or he's here til the end by being quite possibly the least threatening opponent in Survivor history.
TIJUANA - Did you see her try and jump off the boat. My god, even I was embarrassed! But she is the one who found the water well on the map... and it only took her two days!!!!

For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to miss the past exploits of the Dingo, let me explain how things work... Every Thursday at 8pm EST on CBS, filthy humans run around, making fools of themselves, as they compete for $1 million US dollars. Each week they are voted off in a silly ceremony tritely called "Tribal Council." As the loser of the group relinquishes his torch, he makes his way over a rickety bridge into the lonely darkness beyond. That's when I pounce on his scrawny ass and begin feasting. Each week I will provide you with a complete critique of the quality of the meat provided as well as some recipe suggestions right here on this lovely website. I may be a dingo, but I'm a 21st Century Dingo with a filthy human assistant.

And though I may be practically perfect in every way, I'm always anxious to hear from my devoted followers. Questions, comments, and general adulation may be sent to me at durangothederangeddingo@hotmail.com.

This is a private, unofficial, "Survivor" fan page. There is no association with CBS, its affiliates, or company holdings. Views and claims held here are from my own fractured mind and in no way reflect or represent the views and/or claims of CBS, its affiliates, or company holdings. If you have a problem with what you see, do us all a favor and look up "humor," "satire," or "sarcasm" in the dictionary, conveniently located at a bookstore near you.