Durango the Deranged Dingo pres. Survivor Pearl Island

You see people! It's episodes like this that keep this dingo coming back season after season. Just when you think it's all over... BOOM! Or is it BAM! What is that catchy phrase that Emeril guy uses anyway?

The seemingly unbeatable Jon/Burton alliance came a crumblin' down as if Nero himself were playing the fiddle!

IMPORTANT SURVIVOR NEWS!!!!!!!
THIS WAS THE LAST THURSDAY NIGHT AIRING OF SURVIVOR:PEARL ISLANDS. THIS SUNDAY (DEC. 14) WILL BE A SPECIAL THREE HOUR FINALE!!! (Three hours... I know... Don't blame me, I just bring you the news, folks.)


	JON - OH!!! OH!!! Is little Johnny Stupidplay panicking? Don't worry, Jon-Jon, I'm sure you can convince any sane person on earth that Lil is more annoying than you are, but you best be praying for those immunities!
	SANDRA - IT'S ABOUT TIME! I liked you at first... I thought you were a smart player... then when you didn't get rid of Jon when you could... I'll admit, I wavered... But I must admit, you brought it all back together. Looking back, this may have been one of the more brilliant strategies. Fuck loyalty. Get me to the next level, baby!
	CYBORG BURTON - YOU AND YOUR HAIRY BUTT ARE OUT OF THERE!!!!! ...again... I wasn't a big fan of the "bringing back the outcasts" twist, but I liked the new dynamic the semi-fresh blood added. I just didn't want to see one of them win.
	DARRAH - Sweetie! Where the hell did you come from? THREE immunity challenges in a row?! Everyone's looking at the boys as a threat, you best watch your back!
	CYBORG LIL - Please, god, don't let her win... don't let her win... don't let her win... Please!!!! I'll sacrifice whatever remains of my rum stash if you'll just NOT LET THIS MEALY-MOUTHED-NO-SPINE-POOR-ASSED-EXCUSE-FOR-A-BOY-SCOUT WIN!!!!!!!!

**THE BUFFET**

WEEK 4: BURTON Good thing I got to him before he got any harrier. As it is, I had to pick at least a hundred split ends from my choppers! Some nice meat though... tender and well fed. Didn't even need that rum chaser, but I took advantage of it anyway.	WEEK 1: NICOLE A bit bitter. Definitely grisly. Luckily she wasn't there long enough to get too sinewy. But don't think I didn't take advantage of that whole "massage therapist" thing before I sucked the marrow from her very bones!! (that was my attempt at pirate talk... how did I do?)
Week 5: MICHELLE I'm the first to admit, this was an unexpected meal, but not too bad. Unfortunately, she still had all those fish guts in her stomach, so I had to steer clear of that particular area... but all in all, a very average meal.	WEEK 2: RYAN THANK GOD I GOT HIM EARLY! If that boy lost one more pound, I'd have nothing but a pile of toothpicks to gnaw on. As it was, there was very little flavor and I had to douse him in some cheap Panamanian steak sauce just to choke him down.
WEEK 6: TRISH An okay interim meal. Not too fatty... not too lean. Very bitter though, and quite flavorless. Luckily her belly was still full of the surf and turf, so there was SOME sustenance there.	WEEK 3: LIL NO MORE SCOUT TALK! WOO HOO!!! She had a decent amount of meat on her, and a nice fat layer for flavoring, but she was a bit too sweet for my tastes. Nothing a little lime and a lot of rum couldn't cure though.
WEEK 7: SHAWN OOOH! A DOUBLE DOWN! Let me tell you, I feasted tonight! Was even feeling generous enough to invite the howler monkeys over for a kegger. Both meats were nice and supple. We did a nice marinade in coconut milk and had a slow roast on the spit. It was a night to be seen... (and anything those howler monkeys say is a damned lie!)	WEEK 7: OSTEN OOOH! A DOUBLE DOWN! Let me tell you, I feasted tonight! Was even feeling generous enough to invite the howler monkeys over for a kegger. Both meats were nice and supple. We did a nice marinade in coconut milk and had a slow roast on the spit. It was a night to be seen... (and anything those howler monkeys say is a damned lie!)
WEEK 10: RUPERT I almost didn't have the heart to take a bite... But hey! A dingo's gotta eat! After a moment of silence for the person who is the true Ultimate Survivor in spirit if not in the flesh, I broke open the biggest bottle of the finest rum for this lovely feast. As expected, the meat was strong and sweet, perfect in every way.	Week 8: ANDREW They called him "Savage." Well, all I can say is I SAVAGELY tore into that luscious flesh! Though he was merely half the man as when he started, there was still enough fit, trim meat in there to service a small romantic BBQ. (Probst came over for a few drinks last night...)
WEEK 12: CHRISTA Very little meat on this one. And what was there lacked any sort of strong character. I suggest marinating in a lime and rum wash, then drinking the wash while you try to pick the bits of sinew from your teeth.	Week 9: RYAN O I'm not even going to dignify this experience by calling it a "meal." Ryan's scrawny little ass (and by "little" I mean LITTLE) barely passes as a mid-day snack. Luckily, I did have the rum back-up. Does that count as a bread or a vegetable?
	Week 11: TIJUANA As expected, she was sweet as key lime pie. A darling meal if I do say so myself. T, we'll miss you, but if it's any consolation, you made one fine welcome wagon for my stomach.

For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to miss the past exploits of the Dingo, let me explain how things work... Every Thursday at 8pm EST on CBS, filthy humans run around, making fools of themselves, as they compete for $1 million US dollars. Each week they are voted off in a silly ceremony tritely called "Tribal Council." As the loser of the group relinquishes his torch, he makes his way over a rickety bridge into the lonely darkness beyond. That's when I pounce on his scrawny ass and begin feasting. Each week I will provide you with a complete critique of the quality of the meat provided as well as some recipe suggestions right here on this lovely website. I may be a dingo, but I'm a 21st Century Dingo with a filthy human assistant.

And though I may be practically perfect in every way, I'm always anxious to hear from my devoted followers. Questions, comments, and general adulation may be sent to me at durangothederangeddingo@hotmail.com.

This is a private, unofficial, "Survivor" fan page. There is no association with CBS, its affiliates, or company holdings. Views and claims held here are from my own fractured mind and in no way reflect or represent the views and/or claims of CBS, its affiliates, or company holdings. If you have a problem with what you see, do us all a favor and look up "humor," "satire," or "sarcasm" in the dictionary, conveniently located at a bookstore near you.

WHO WILL WIN	WHO'S NEXT
At this point... she's obviously the second of the two strongest players. And there ain't NOBODY who's gonna vote Johnny Stupidplay over her!	Her pawn status has just about run its course. There's not much left to keep her here. I mean, let's admit it, does ANYONE really want to see those granny panties again?