THE DINGO IS BACK!

Now don't go telling me you didn't miss my furry little butt!

I'm sure some of you are wondering where this Dingo has been all these years.  Last time I saw you mates, I was bumping heads with that annoying Hyena in Africa.  WOW!  What a waste of a Survivor THAT was!  Those people were so starved, I couldn't make a decent shish-ka-bob out of the lot of 'em!  I was so distraught I ended up going on an extended walkabout around the Sahara.  The desert plays some weird tricks on a dingo, let me tell you.  That hyena kept following me and after a few weeks even he was looking attractive.  I don't want to talk about it, but let's just say I did some things I'm not necessarily proud of.

But let's not lose sight of the important issue!  I'M BACK!  And so is Survivor!  This season will find my future delicacies in the Pearl Islands, reported to be a pirate's paradise.  Now how could I pass that up, you tell me! So sit back,  and enjoy the ride.  The dingo is ready to PAR-TAY!

Okay, here's the deal.  This year, the Survivors are dumped near Panama, on a tiny set of islands where it is said pirates used to hang out and stash their booty, drink their rum, and do other genuinely diabolical things.  And just like the pirate tradition, the Survivors will be made to walk the plank with nothing but the clothes on their back.  Here's the twist... It's not the clothes they packed for the island.  They're going to be jumping in that water in their everyday street clothes.  That's it.  Nothing else.  No supplies.  No bathing suits.  No luxury items.  NADA!

It also seems that our tribes will be inhabiting separate islands and traveling by boat to Tribal Councils - trouble for a water wary dingo, let me tell you.  Fortunately, I've employed a wide range of spies to travel to the islands for me.  Originally I became friendly with a gang of sloths who were eager to help, but the fatal flaw in that plan became readily apparent, so I have settled on a randy group of howler monkeys who are easy enough to bribe with some rum soaked banana peels.  

So, without further adieu, let's meat, er meet, the cast of Survivor 7: Pearl Islands!
(notice how the tribes are named after famous pirates?  Clever, those wacky humans)

Already this guy is boring me.  Some monkey suit wearing desk jockey who plays with numbers and watches The O'Reilly Factor..  OOOOHH!  Scary!  He describes himself as "adventurous, funny, and a hard worker."  Heads up - if you describe yourself as funny, you usually aren't.  Funny people would come up with a much funnier description for their funniness.  I figure he'll be an early dinner for me.  I'm thinking a nice rum marinade and maybe a pineapple garnish.

With a race car driver for a fiancé, this former model is just one step away from earning the prestigious title of Trophy Wife.  I have a feeling her perkiness is really going to get under my fur. Pink is her favorite color.  <<shudder>>   But she IS cute as a button, and she has a bit of an attitude and an arrest record.  I'll spare her my judgment until I get a closer look (preferably in a bikini!)

Can someone please tell me what the hell an "art consultant" does?  Well, he does have an interesting past, hanging out with wrestlers and all... plus his hero is Hugh Hefner and one of his favorite movies is American Psycho.  Now, how could you not like this guy? 

OOOOH!  A young one, just picked off the tree.  This girl is just too good to be true - fundraisers, charities, student ambassador...  These people are going to eat her alive!  Then I get to feast afterwards!  She does look a little on the skinny side, but with a nice stuffing under the skin, I'm sure she'll taste just dandy!

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!  Look at the physique on this man!  He is going to be one tasty meal!  One I look forward to!  Unfortunately, this dingo finds himself torn... while Rupert has the makings of one magnificent feast, he's also one of the more interesting contestants.  Once a bartender and gravedigger, now he helps troubled teens.  Well, whenever his poor soul crosses my path, he will find one appreciative dingo.

Too bad she's married, because Sandra and Burton would make one dandy couple, all comphy in their boringness.  I mean, honestly, I have nothing to comment on.  She's BORING!  Another early meal for one famished Dingo.

OOOH!  A TWIN!  Nice!  I don't know... I just have a feeling about this guy.  He's giving me a "Richard Hatch mates with Colby the Cowboy" kinda vibe.  I think he's one to watch...  just might make it all the way. 

Definitely the "mom" of the group.  This woman is so American Apple Pie, I can smell the crust cooling on the windowsill.  She's going to be around for awhile, which gives us plenty of time to hear all about her saccharine sweet perfect little life.  Joy.

Oh goodie... a lawyer.  You know, it's almost too easy - the lawyer jokes.  This guy is going to be a handful.  He and his wife used to own an import/export business in South Africa. "Import/Export"...  Yeah, right.  Don't worry, Andrew, we won't tell.  Oh, and his favorite color is "jaguar green."  Now tell me, where the hell do the green jaguars roam?  And more importantly, are they tasty?

I play with dead people.  And a she's a Southerner too!  She's like Daisy Duke in a hearse!  And a tease too... just look at that picture, how that strap is just inching its way down her shoulder.  Mmmm mmmm mmmm.  She's not a drinker though, which means she'll probably need a nice two or three day marinade in rum before I can handle it. 

First off, what is up with that hat? "Big Lill," as she's known to her friends, is another goody-two-shoes.  A Boy Scout leader for 11 years, she's also traveled to Thailand to give eyeglasses to people in need.  Should I gag now or wait for the big moment.  This woman is so saccharine sweet, I may have save her for desert.

A massage therapist, huh?  These dingo paws could use a good rubbing, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.  And she's a talker, I can tell.  That's okay, this pirate hat covers my ears quite nicely.

Uh oh!  We've got ourselves a city boy!  And a New Englander at that!  Do you really think a paper pusher from Boston is going to be able to hack it in Panama?  Even if he does like fitness training, I do believe I'm going to get a bite of this tasty morsel early in the game!

A young slacker who can't keep a job.  My kind of guy!  And such a cutie with those eyes, the women are bound to fall all over him.  If he can keep focused and not get on every last living nerve of the other players, it may be quite awhile before I get a sample of this sweet meat.

Can you say UBER-GEEK?!  You can't tell me he wasn't president of the AV club in high school!  He's scrawny as all get out and most likely excruciatingly socially inept, but at least he has glasses.  They can build a fire with glasses, right?

Another goodie goodie cheerleader.  My god, where do they find these people?  What happened to the days of maniacal masterminds who would lie, steal, and cheat just to get an extra taro root?  What happened to Richard Hatch?!?!?!  I just don't know how many sweets my tender tummy can take!!

LINKS
Survivor: Pear Islands Official Website
SirLinksalot: Survivor: Pear Islands
Survivor Fever
Reality TV Links: Survivor Pearl Islands