Durango the Deranged Dingo pres. Survivor Pearl Island

You know... I don't think I got one friggin' prediction right this season. Ah... That's some good Survivor!

Well, we had the obligatory "family letter" which was met with Lil's obligatory crying. <<rolls eyes>>

Then it was on to the obligatory "let's remember the outcasts" part, again with Lil's obligatory crying. <<wrestles the knife away from my bleeding heart>>

Alas, the game went to the "nice people" once again. DAMN YOU COLBY AND TINA!!!! You started this! Where is my Richard Hatch? A little advise from a humble dingo... YOU'RE OUT THERE TO WIN A MILLION BUCKS!!! NOT TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS!!!!! THINK OF US, PEOPLE!! THINK OF US!!!!!!!!!!

Darrah was voted off first - just eliminating the "threat" they said. I say they couldn't take being within earshot any longer.

Lil pulled up those granny panties and won the final immunity, surging the chances of us getting to see her cry once again to about 150%.

THANK GOD! I don't think I could take another frickin' moment of the scout master from hell!!!!!

Then came the reunion show... And we once again got to lay eyes on our precious Rupert. A direct quote:

Ever since I saw Richard Hatch out there playing around, I knew I could beat him."

We get to see the outcome of that dream match in Survivor: ALL STARS! And of course, the dingo will be there to give you the play by play.

THE FINAL DECADENCE
I gotta say, it was one helluva final feast. I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep it all down, but I'm not one to let a good meal go bad! I brought in Iron Chef Chen for the final affair, and man did he did one bang-up job!
APPETIZER: The voice was annoying, but the meat... Oh that meat... Succulent, sweet.... if not a bit sparse. But Iron Chef Chen knows some amazing secrets with rice that will stretch any meal out.	MAIN COURSE: Of course...I gotta get cheated with the main course. There wasn't a ton of rice, nor a bushel of coconut, nor a barrel of rum that could make this palatable!	DESSERT: Ahhhh... sweet sweet dessert....well... it coulda been if it weren't so much metal and latex. Damn those MIT guys! They could have at least flavored it!!!!


	JON - You have GOT to get over that male chauvinist thing. Dude, that is NOT how you get the girls! Good to see you got what you deserved, but I have to admit... out of the final four, you played the best. Too bad karma's such a bitch, huh? And what is with the cheesy mustache?! Sweetie - this is NOT the seventies, and you are most definitely NOT a porn star.
	SANDRA - She saw Johnny Stupidplay as her biggest adversary. She played with him or against him as she saw fit. You played a good game, sister. Yes, yes, we all know Rupert should have won, but you're not a bad second.
	DARRAH - Okay, some anorexic chick from south of the Mason Dixon line is the biggest physical threat?! What has this world come to? At least we don't have to listen to that god forsaken VOICE anymore!
	CYBORG LIL - "I wonder if he'd like to join a troop?!" What are you smoking, woman?! Well, she held out in a squat. I'm not too sure what that says for her... It was scary there for a moment, but I knew those MIT guys wouldn't let me down. When it comes right down to it, nice don't mean squat. Especially FAKE nice. I really hate that!

**SOME FAVORITE SURVIVOR MOMENTS:**
Sandra plotting to sabotage the tribe, continuing the trend from the famous "fish incident"
Osten's underwear.
Rupert stealing from the Morgan tribe DAY ONE!
Rupert's random kissing of inanimate and/or dead objects.
Rupert's snake.
Rupert's skirts.
Rupert.
The Electric Sting Ray
The boys stripping down and pushing a canon through the jungle in solidarity with a naked Osten.
Boobs.
More boobs.

And the NUMBER ONE favorite Survivor Moment:
Johnny Fairplay fakes his grandmother's death!

Well, my friends, it's been a fun ride. Looking back, I'd have to say this was one of the more memorable Survivors... From the walk off the plank to the final tribal council, they kept us guessing. We've had our ups and our downs and we've had a lot of rum. It's now time for me to make way towards the sunset. The sirens are asingin'. But be sure to join me for the next installment of Survivor - All Star! YES! OH YES!! Richard Hatch is back! Make sure you stay tuned!

**THE BUFFET**

WEEK 4: BURTON Good thing I got to him before he got any harrier. As it is, I had to pick at least a hundred split ends from my choppers! Some nice meat though... tender and well fed. Didn't even need that rum chaser, but I took advantage of it anyway.	WEEK 1: NICOLE A bit bitter. Definitely grisly. Luckily she wasn't there long enough to get too sinewy. But don't think I didn't take advantage of that whole "massage therapist" thing before I sucked the marrow from her very bones!! (that was my attempt at pirate talk... how did I do?)
WEEK 5: MICHELLE I'm the first to admit, this was an unexpected meal, but not too bad. Unfortunately, she still had all those fish guts in her stomach, so I had to steer clear of that particular area... but all in all, a very average meal.	WEEK 2: RYAN THANK GOD I GOT HIM EARLY! If that boy lost one more pound, I'd have nothing but a pile of toothpicks to gnaw on. As it was, there was very little flavor and I had to douse him in some cheap Panamanian steak sauce just to choke him down.
WEEK 6: TRISH An okay interim meal. Not too fatty... not too lean. Very bitter though, and quite flavorless. Luckily her belly was still full of the surf and turf, so there was SOME sustenance there.	WEEK 3: LIL NO MORE SCOUT TALK! WOO HOO!!! She had a decent amount of meat on her, and a nice fat layer for flavoring, but she was a bit too sweet for my tastes. Nothing a little lime and a lot of rum couldn't cure though.
WEEK 7: SHAWN OOOH! A DOUBLE DOWN! Let me tell you, I feasted tonight! Was even feeling generous enough to invite the howler monkeys over for a kegger. Both meats were nice and supple. We did a nice marinade in coconut milk and had a slow roast on the spit. It was a night to be seen... (and anything those howler monkeys say is a damned lie!)	WEEK 7: OSTEN OOOH! A DOUBLE DOWN! Let me tell you, I feasted tonight! Was even feeling generous enough to invite the howler monkeys over for a kegger. Both meats were nice and supple. We did a nice marinade in coconut milk and had a slow roast on the spit. It was a night to be seen... (and anything those howler monkeys say is a damned lie!)
WEEK 10: RUPERT I almost didn't have the heart to take a bite... But hey! A dingo's gotta eat! After a moment of silence for the person who is the true Ultimate Survivor in spirit if not in the flesh, I broke open the biggest bottle of the finest rum for this lovely feast. As expected, the meat was strong and sweet, perfect in every way.	Week 8: ANDREW They called him "Savage." Well, all I can say is I SAVAGELY tore into that luscious flesh! Though he was merely half the man as when he started, there was still enough fit, trim meat in there to service a small romantic BBQ. (Probst came over for a few drinks last night...)
WEEK 12: CHRISTA Very little meat on this one. And what was there lacked any sort of strong character. I suggest marinating in a lime and rum wash, then drinking the wash while you try to pick the bits of sinew from your teeth.	Week 9: RYAN O I'm not even going to dignify this experience by calling it a "meal." Ryan's scrawny little ass (and by "little" I mean LITTLE) barely passes as a mid-day snack. Luckily, I did have the rum back-up. Does that count as a bread or a vegetable?
WEEK 13: CYBORG BURTON I already ate this one. What you see before you is merely a brilliant facsimile done by a couple of stoners I commissioned from MIT. To see the original assessment click here. I'm going to drown myself in rum since I get to starve this week. DAMN YOU BURNETT!!!!!!	Week 11: TIJUANA As expected, she was sweet as key lime pie. A darling meal if I do say so myself. T, we'll miss you, but if it's any consolation, you made one fine welcome wagon for my stomach.

For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to miss the past exploits of the Dingo, let me explain how things work... Every Thursday at 8pm EST on CBS, filthy humans run around, making fools of themselves, as they compete for $1 million US dollars. Each week they are voted off in a silly ceremony tritely called "Tribal Council." As the loser of the group relinquishes his torch, he makes his way over a rickety bridge into the lonely darkness beyond. That's when I pounce on his scrawny ass and begin feasting. Each week I will provide you with a complete critique of the quality of the meat provided as well as some recipe suggestions right here on this lovely website. I may be a dingo, but I'm a 21st Century Dingo with a filthy human assistant.

And though I may be practically perfect in every way, I'm always anxious to hear from my devoted followers. Questions, comments, and general adulation may be sent to me at durangothederangeddingo@hotmail.com.

This is a private, unofficial, "Survivor" fan page. There is no association with CBS, its affiliates, or company holdings. Views and claims held here are from my own fractured mind and in no way reflect or represent the views and/or claims of CBS, its affiliates, or company holdings. If you have a problem with what you see, do us all a favor and look up "humor," "satire," or "sarcasm" in the dictionary, conveniently located at a bookstore near you.